Looking Back, Looking Forward - A Widow's Perspective

Five months since last post! Oh my!

Deb Markwood — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 02:07:00 GMT

It has been five months since my last post. So much for my New Year's resolution to keep things more current. Sorry about that.

I have been traveling constantly with my "new" job. Been at it for 7 months now! Usually on the road Tuesday through Friday most of the time. My iPad does not allow me to blog too easily, at least not that I have figured out. Anyway, I was only home for about 8 days in the month of March due to business travel. Lots of people ask me if I am traveling so much to "escape." To "escape" so that I am not home so much to think of Tom and the accident and my life without him. The answer to that is NO. I have always wanted a job where there is heavy travel involved. I LOVE TO TRAVEL. I used to have a job like this in the past, several years ago. Tom would travel with me whenever he could and he loved it. He was great on his feet...able to entertain my clients and do well in any type of situation. That I do miss very much. The social aspects of my job and knowing I could just brief him on who the client and spouse was and he would take it from there. Entertaining a couple when he was around was much easier than me entertaining a couple alone.

On a more personal note, I actually have connected via email with the widow of a pilot who died in a private plane crash a few months before Tom. It has been very good for both of us...to share experiences as only we could understand. She lives on the West Coast and I am out here on the East Coast, but hopefully we will meet at some point in the future. It is amazing to talk to someone else who gets what you are going through. It's something that not many people understand and I hope they never do!

Well, that's all for now. I won't promise to do a better job at posting because I clearly can't keep my promise. LOL. However, I do want everyone to know that I do appreciate all of the thoughts and good wishes that continue to come my way on a personal level. I have only met a few of you in person, and emailed others, but I feel like I have known you all for a very long time. Your thoughts and wishes are very much appreciated.

Deb

November 27th..time is flying by

Deb Markwood — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 13:51:00 GMT

I have not done a very good job of keeping my promise to stay more active on my blogs. Fortunately, my new job has kept me so busy, it is hard to have time to even think. I have been travelling three weeks out of four for my new job and have been back and forth to the West Coast for the past several weeks, coming home on the weekends. I suppose that it's a good thing that I have been so busy. For the time being, most of my travel is going to be on a train, not a plane, just up to NYC for a few day trips and back. Business travel is not as glamorous as many think!

The two recent airplane crashes (Arizona and Chicago area) obviously have caught my attention and interest and have been reading your comments on the forums. Both are so sad. I know what I was going through when Tom's plane crashed and I can only imagine the mother of those three children and how she must be (or not be) coping. And of course the families of those who perished in the Chicago crash. I will continue to follow the news as we try to learn what happened.

I have been trying to live my life in the manner in which Tom lived his and encouraged me to live mine. To live each day to the fullest, to try to find something to smile or laugh about every single day and to live each day as if it could be my last. I think I have done a pretty good job of doing that. I can still see his smile as vivid as the last day I saw him alive and I think he would be very proud of me today. I still miss him very much, especially now around the Holidays. He loved Christmas and this will be the first year that I have spent Christmas at home instead of in the Caribbean. I am still going on our annual vacation, just am not going until January due to vacation time with the new job.

Today is a beautiful day here on the East Coast - at least here in Delaware and I am going to go play golf. He would have taken his plane up today for sure. I have a feeling I will see a little white plane fly overhead at some point during my game.

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving and I will once again, strive to be more diligent in my "blogging". Maybe that will be my New Year's resolution!!!

Chapel Hill

Deb Markwood — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 02:51:00 GMT

Well, on my business trip to Chapel Hill, I was with my colleague and we were so close to the airport that I had to go take a "look see" to see if they had cleaned up the site any more. He was also very curious as he was sitting in my office when I found out about the crash. (Used to work together at the same company and now work together in the new company). The orange "crime scene tape" as I like to call it, is still on the fence and can clearly be seen from the airport parking lot. It appears there are no plans to repair the fence. There was very little, if any, debris on the ground. I rummaged around and the only thing I got was poison ivy! I felt nothing - it was just me walking around an airport runway and explaining to a colleague what happened and where it happened and all that stuff. We stayed less than 10 minutes. It started raining as we were leaving, and I said to my colleague that I think that was Tom's way of telling me to get out of there and not go back! LOL! Well, I will abide by that. No need for me to go back, even if I am in Chapel Hill again on business. Some really funny things happened on this business trip that reminded me of Tom and I had some really good laughs over them.

I appreciate the comments that were made on my last post about remembering the date and time thing. You are all right ... the exact date and time on a monthly basis is really not that important. I suspect I will always remember it on the "year" anniversary and certainly will remember other important dates like his birthday and our wedding anniversary, which is coming up on October 1st. And of course, during our annual vacation to Anguilla (which I did book again for January). I do miss him very much and still think he is going to walk through the front door any minute. I do have to wonder how long that will last.

I am keeping quite busy with the new job - lots of travelling - which I really enjoy. I've done some redecorating around the house and managed to figure out how to re-caulk the bathtub. Amazing what you can find online.

That's all for now.

14 months since the plane crash....

Deb Markwood — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 03:33:00 GMT

Wow. I started my new job on September 6th - the day after Tom's birthday. I was sitting in my new office yesterday, the 13th of September, when I suddenly realized that the 12th of September was the 14-month anniversary of the accident. The day before. I was startled that I had not "remembered it" down to the exact minute, the way I have in the past. I was a bit upset. I was on a conference call when it hit me. Is this what happens as time goes on? I will never forget, but this was the first time I did not remember the exact date and time. Especially the time. After all, I had been to the cemetery on both September 10th and 11th. In fact, I was in a golf tournament on the 11th and stopped by Tom's grave to tell him that I know how he always remember "9/11" and that I was arranging for a moment of silence before the tournament started. I had recently put some new "Fall" flowers at the grave. I will NEVER forget.

I am not sure what to think. There are friends and family who would definitely chastise me for not "remembering" the exact date and time the way I have always remembered the exact date in the past 12-13 months. However, I have to give myself some "slack." I started a new job after 6 months of unemployment. I had been on the job for less than a week. Tom would probably be glad that I did not remember the exact date and time..in fact, I KNOW he would. He would be very happy. He knows I will never, ever forget. He always told me to "not let any moss grow under your feet."

Yes, I think he would have understood and would have been glad. Only those who knew him like I did would agree. He would have understood. So I won't beat myself about it.

Next week I will be in Chapel Hill, NC on business. My colleagues have asked me if I want to go back to the crash site while I am so close. I thought about it for awhile and have decided that there is no reason for me to go there again. Even though I will be less than a couple of miles from the site....no, there is no reason for me to go back there. He is not there. Who knows...I might change my mind once I am that close. We shall see. Stay tuned.

Tom's Birthday Today

Deb Markwood — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 01:22:00 GMT

Today would have been Tom's 67th birthday! He always said "it's just another day" and we did not exchange birthday gifts. We took whatever we would have spent on birthdays and put it towards our annual Anguilla vacation. But......today I gave Tom something he wanted to see for five years....I finally broke 100 at golf!!! I had a 99 in my club's Labor Day tournament. He would have been thrilled. And despite the warnings of severe thunderstorms for this afternoon, the storm held off and I even saw a few small white planes fly overhead. I am sure it was Tom watching over the game. I even commented to myself that I was surprised to see planes flying when the threat of severe weather was imminent.

I am doing okay. Better than I ever thought I would be at this point. He would be so proud.

Semper Fi, Tom....may you rest in peace!

Love Always,

Deb

Time is flying by so fast....

Deb Markwood — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 23:45:00 GMT

Wow! I just realized that I had promised to be a little more diligent in my blogging since my last post around the 1-year anniversary of the crash and here it is...already PAST the 13-month anniversary and I have not blogged a thing. As I said during that post, I finally found a new and better job since losing my job back in February. I start the new job on September 6th, one day after what would have been Tom's 67th birthday. He was not happy about approaching his 70's. He always looked and acted like he was in his 40's or early 50's and was very proud of that!

We have had a lot of thunderstorms here lately...sometimes with 4 or more inches of rain. I have a new bouquet of artificial flowers to take to Tom's gravesite but it's still in the trunk waiting for some calm weather. He never liked flowers - said they were a waste of money, but I like to keep something simple on his grave site...respectful, but understated.

The 13-month anniversary of the crash was a week ago Friday. It is still hard to believe it happened, but life is moving on. I still expect to see him walk through the door almost every day and wonder how long that will last. I have had a very challenging and emotional year. I think of Tom several times a day and know how proud he would be of me. I have been doing a lot of reminiscing lately as I am trying to go through all of his things before going back to work. I might have mentioned I will be travelling a great deal, and when I come home on the weekends, I want to just relax and enjoy my time and my memories of him. My new company has a "Veterans Network" and I have decided to donate all of Tom's business clothes to this network. They provide career related services to Veterans who are trying to re-enter the work force after serving their time over in Afghanistan or Iraq, or wherever they may have served. Resume writing, interviewing skills, job coaching, etc. Tom had quite an eye for fashion (unlike me) and was always immaculately dressed, even in his t-shirt and shorts. I remember getting quite irritated at him for asking me 5-6 times before going out "how does this shirt look" or "how about this tie". He always thought I was not paying attention so he would ask me to close my eyes and tell him what shirt he was pointing to or what tie he was holding up. LOL. So I am sure he would be happy to have his business and formal wear donated to our Veterans.

I am looking forward to my new job and the travelling to the West Coast. Tom always loved Mission Beach, CA and I hope to be able to spend a lot of time in that area.

Once again, I will try to be more diligent in my writing, and I suspect I WILL be once I start back to work and am on the road so much. I LOVE to write about my travel adventures. Tom and I called ourselves "The Griswalds" from the famous "Vaction" movies, because there was always something hilarious about our travels. I expect it to continue, even if he is only with me in spirit. I think I will write about my adventures.

Deb

Just over 12 months....

Deb Markwood — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 20:41:00 GMT

Wow - I just realized that it has been about two months since my last post! I have been quite busy this summer! So I will try to update what has been going on in my life. I last wrote on Memorial Day. I will try to be more diligent in my writing!

On June 11, I had the pleasure of joining other Cirrus pilots for dinner at the CPPP in Allentown, PA. It was great putting faces to the names of people I have been conversing with since joining the COPA last year. After dinner, I was able to share some pictures and even a few videos of Tom, and tell the group about what kind of person he was and how he changed people's lives, even if he only met them once. I talked about learning of the crash, the days that followed, days present, and the days to come. I spoke of the strength that I have had in the past year, strength that amazes many people, but amazes me the most. Tom would have been extremely proud of me for speaking to the group and sharing our story.

On July 12th, it was one year since Tom's plane crash. I did not know what to expect, how I would feel. I decided to just take it one minute or hour at a time. A few years ago, Tom was mentoring a student pilot. She,Tom and I became good friends and I enjoyed watching Tom encourage her to continue on with her lessons and to someday realize her dream of getting her pilots license. She was out of the country when Tom died and was not aware of his death until some weeks later when I was able to contact her. She since moved to the UAA, working in Abu Dabi and is home for a few weeks. She called me and asked me if she could accompany me to the cemetary on that day. I was happy to have her come along. Not surprisingly, when I got to the gravesite, there had been many more before me. Tom's grave was covered in flowers, flags and notes. One person left a note tied to a small American flag. The note said that Tom will never be forgotten, particularly not by the writers family - as Tom often helped them out and brightened their day. The writer left some sunflowers, too, saying that they reminded him of how Tom brightened everyone's day. In fact, there were several bunches of sunflowers. I am not sure if they were from the same person, or from others, who also felt that Tom brightened their days. It was a beautiful, sunny and hot day, and I know that Tom would have appreciated all of the thoughts. It was very peaceful for me. Later on I went back to the site alone. I felt as though Tom were watching - telling me how proud he was that I am doing so well. I have come a long, long way in only 12 months. He most definitely would be very happy.

A lot has changed in my life in just 12 months. I lost my husband but have learned to live my life the way he lived his...try not to "sweat the small stuff", try to find something good in every situation, and to try to incorporate "fun" into every single day. I lost my job, but I recently found an even better one....one that is going to involve a lot of travel to the West Coast..one of my favorite parts of the country. I used to travel in a previous job and Tom often accompanied me when I went to the West Coast. He loved it and I know that my memories of him traveling with me will bring me lots of smiles and laughs. He was really great with my customers - always cracking a joke to break the ice when he met them for the first time. I will definitely miss that.

I have been working on my golf game this summer - and Tom is occasionally watching over some of those difficult shots. I recently played in a single elimination match play (made it to the semi finals so far) and "one-putted" a majority of the holes. That never happens! Even my partners said "We think your husband must be walking with you today - you have never putted like that before!" I do admit that when I am playing really bad, I often say "Tom, it's not happy hour yet - get down here and help me." Even some of my partners will say "Tom, get down here and help her!". We all laugh heartily and continue on.

My new friends say they wish they could have known Tom. I tell them that they would have never met another person like him...he was definitely one of a kind.

Memorial Day

Deb Markwood — Tue, 31 May 2011 14:29:00 GMT

For the past 10-15 years, Tom chaired a Memorial Day Ceremony at his Veterans Post. He spent a great deal of time on this event, honoring not only members of a particular branch of the service who were members of that Post, but throughout the State of Delaware. For example, one year he honored all service members from Delaware who served as a Chaplain. Another year, he honored Women Veterans. Locating veterans from all over the State who served a specific role in the military was not an easy task. Tom was very, very proud of this event, as was I. I did attend this year's event, and, of course, it was just not the same without Tom standing at the podium. One funny thing did happen - the Commander of the Post said a few words and at one point said "if a small white plane flies overhead anytime during this ceremony, we know that is Tom --- look out!". Well, sure enough, towards the end of the ceremony, just as the names of the "departed" Delaware Veterans Post members were read, a small white plane flew overhead. It was painted red, white and blue.

On the way home, I stopped by Tom's gravesite. Seems he had a lot of visitors, as shown in the attached photo. Tom looked forward to Memorial Day to honor those in the military both past and present. It is hard to believe I was standing there remembering him and his constant mission to help others, rather than standing WITH him at the Veterans Post.

10 Months

Deb Markwood — Fri, 13 May 2011 13:20:00 GMT

Yestrday was the 10-month "anniversary" of Tom's plane crash and death. What an interesting day. I was playing in a golf outing hosted by the Estate Planning Council that I belong to. Interestingly enough, this golf outing was held in Sussex County, Delaware, less than a mile from the airport where Tom made his "final" takeoff in the plane. This is the airport where he picked up his passenger. It's about 90 miles from home. I arrived at 12:30pm, only to find that tee-off was at 1:30pm....which, if I recall, is the approximate time that Tom "took off" from this airport. As I am standing at the tee box, at 1:30pm, a small white plane flew overhead.

On the 7th hole, it was nearing 3:00pm - the time that Tom's plane crashed. After I hit my tee shot, I decided to walk the rest of the hole, so that I would be alone to reflect and think of Tom at precisely 3:00pm. My partners continued on in the golf carts. At exactly 3:00pm, my ball was 58 yards from the green. I have a really tough time with these close in shots (don't we all?). But it was 3:00pm and I laid down my clubs, looked up at the sky - not a cloud in the sky - just like that day 10 months ago. I said silently "Tom - it's a beautiful day out here. You would be flying and here I am on the golf course. I hope you are having fun up there with all of your friends and that you are laughing and smiling. Help me make a good shot here, will ya?"

I picked up my sand wedge, hit the ball and watched it hit the edge of the green and proceed to roll right into the cup!!!!! Unbelieveable!!!! A 58-yard chip in. Or could you call that a "pitch in" because that would be a long chip. I was jumping up and down and screaming and yelling and my partners ran over to see what was going on. I had chosen NOT to tell them why I was walking alone on that hole, (it still makes people feel uncomfortable), but then decided to tell them what had happened. Then they started jumping up and down and decided that a beer was in order at the turn.

Yesterday was also the day of the annual "Drive for Autism" golf outing here in Wilmington. Tom was a volunteer for many years and it was one of his favorite events. On the way home, I spoke to friend who played in the tournament and he said that everyone missed Tom there this year and that there was a tribute to him in the program. I told him about my golf shot on the 7th hole and he said "that is Tom's way of telling you he sees you and is watching over you because that could not be a coincidence." I have to say I agree on that one.

And so life goes on. A different life, but still, a very good life.

9 Months this past Tuesday

Deb Markwood — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 21:14:00 GMT

Well, Tuesday was the 9-month mark of the plane crash that took Tom's life. It is still hard to believe that it has only been 9 months. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like it was so long ago.

I started the day by going to the golf course where I met up with 3 other ladies who have been long time members there. It was cloudy and overcast and the rain was definitely on the way but we decided to try to get a few holes in. Since it was cart path only, we decided to walk. About halfway through the first hole, it started to shower, but we kept going. As I was walking with one of the women, she asked me if my husband plays golf. I always feel bad answering questions like this from people I have just met, because when I tell them that my husband passed away, they clearly are uncomfortable and don't know what to say. So I said, "no, my husband passed away nine months ago and he was not a golfer. He was a pilot." I could see the wheels turning in her head and then I said "he was killed when his plane crashed." She said "he wasn't the guy who was flying the brother of that bombing victim....you know...was he??" And I said "yep - that's him - that was my husband." She said she was sorry and as usual, I just say thanks and change the subject. That seems the best way to handle it, as people seem to relax a bit after that.

Well, today was opening day for the Ladies and my foursome WON the tournament. Woo Hoo! I have never been part of a winning team before - have come in second, but never first. I wore Tom's USMC baseball hat and used the "Medal of Honor Golf Course" ball marker he got for me, but sadly, I lost it on one of the holes. But that same hole I had an EAGLE - the first time I have ever had an Eagle since I started playing golf. So maybe there was some divine intervention on that hole or for the entire tournament for that matter. Anyway, after lunch, a strange thing happened. Cell phones and smart phones are not permitted in the club house. Well, I always take mine in anyway and just turn off the ringer. Suddenly, I heard the Lynyrd Skynrd song "Gimmee Three Steps" playing very faintly. I thought it was another woman's cell phone and gave her a funny look. She said "Deb, that is YOUR phone." Sure enough, it was! I have no idea how that song started to play suddenly and the ringer turned up, but this is the THIRD TIME that this has happened. Tom always liked that song. To get to this song, one must go through several steps - something just not possible to start by itself. So I said out loud "darn it Tom, you are really messing with me today." The woman across from me said "is your husband texting you?" Uh oh. Here we go again. So I said "no, he is deceased, but somehow he is messing with me by turning on my cell phone and playing this song." The entire table went silent and I am sure these ladies were thinking that they now have a real looney tunes on their hands. But then of course all of the questions started. Seemed everyone knew about the accident, but of course, with Tom and I having different last names, no one would have ever made the connection. At least it is now out on the table and I won't have to deal with it anymore. One woman said she is absolutely amazed that I can even discuss his death after only 9 months. Another woman who I met back in January said "oh, she is doing just fine - she's amazing, you know - she's doing what he would have wanted her to do." I smiled and responded that Tom would not have it any other way. And he wouldn't.

A number of people have suggested that I do try to change careers and take up writing and also do some motivational speaking. I have never thought of myself as one who could "inspire" others, but apparently I do. In my past career, I used to be a keynote speaker at some trade shows and conferences, so I am comfortable with public speaking. And I certainly know my subject material!

Something to ponder this weekend while I am in Atlantic City, NJ seeing Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band live in concert at the Boardwalk Hall! Yay! Tom and I saw them about 4 years ago - always one of our favorite groups to see. I am really looking forward to it. Now if Lynyrd Skynrd is the surprise opening act................

Till next time.

Sunday Afternoon

Deb Markwood — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 21:15:00 GMT

Well, it's another Sunday afternoon. Typically one of my hardest days, but not so much this Sunday.

The weather is starting to get better each day (high of 82 degrees tomorrow!). I had a golf lesson this afternoon as I joined the women's competitive team at my new Golf Club. I joined this Club in January - Tom and I were social members there at one time - before I learned to play golf - and he just loved it there. So I took a frequent thought from Tom and said "why not? you only live once" and I joined. I may have written about that before, not sure. Anyway, this team thing ought to be interesting - I have never played competitive golf before! Need to learn how to get out of those darned sand traps! Especially the ones that are over my head!!! If any of you pilots are also golfers, any tips are appreciated!

On the way home, I stopped off at the cemetary to check on Tom's site. A friend of ours left a very pretty artificial arrangement at the site a week or so ago and it still looks nice. The Marine Corps Flag is a bit worn, so I made a mental note to replace it. It is still one big pile of mud and I hope the groundskeepers will get it back in shape soon. We have had a very harsh winter here - and apparently one of the toughest this cemetary has seen in a long time. I think once I see nice green grass there, it will seem a little more "permanent."

On Tuesday, it will be 9 months since the crash. It is still very hard to believe. It's a nice day for flying and he would have been flying today. Probably calling soon and asking what we were doing for dinner. I am watching The Masters on TV while I write this. Not expecting the door to open as much as in the past.

I did find some really hilarious pictures of him today. Hysterical in fact. He and his friend, the friend who was flying in the right seat with him, went to the wedding of a mutual friend in Cancun in 2008. I could not go due to my work schedule, so the two of them went anyway. From the looks of these pictures, they were having a blast. I will try to scan the picture of them both and post it in a few days. It is really funny and I have to sit here and wonder just what the heck was going on. Tom was dressing up like "Flash Gordon" or some kind of character. All the people in the background are cracking up looking at him. Typical Tom. Doing something silly to make others laugh.

I have decided to take a look at some golf course retirement communities in Coastal North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia in the next month or so. Maybe buy a homesite for down the road since I do have a few years until retirement. LOL! Might as well - while I am not working and have the time. Tom always wanted to look at a place called Ocean Ridge Plantation in Sunset Beach, North Carolina. Must have been a small airport nearby as he was certain we would both be happy with a place like that...me for the golf and him for the flying. So I am definitely going to check that place out. A lot of these places offer "stay and play" deals where you can stay onsite and play a round of golf to see how you like it. I am going to try to do that by the end of May.

Still not sure about the job situation and if I want to try to make a career change. The signs are all there pointing to my jumping in and just doing it. I guess the question is doing WHAT? I am still trying to figure out what to do as I embark on this next chapter in my life. So many changes in my life in such a short time. First the death of my spouse, then loss of a job. Oh well. That's life.

Off to watch the end of The Masters. Tiger is one back right now. Till Tuesday....

Deb

Ohh what a night..........do do do do do...

Deb Markwood — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 00:44:00 GMT

Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.....one of Tom's favorites.......doo doo dooo doo do, doo doo do doo do.

I have been reading another book on grief and came across this profound statement from the books' author, the widow. It means a lot to me and I believe Tom could be reading this to me.....it was the way he lived his life and I truly believe, the way he would want me to continue to live my life without him.

"To not live my life to its fullest, every hour, every minute and second would mean death has more meaning for us than life, than love, than all we were. He is not here to finish my journey beside me. But he is with me...in my mind and my heart."

Springtime is upon us. I think it might be time for me to remove the "shrine" I have of Tom in my entrance hallway...his picture, a single rose from his grave, a candle from his memorial service, a small American flag from his service. Maybe just move that picture of him smiling, the one that everyone says "is Tom" and put it in a more appropriate place in the house...perhaps with all of my other memories... in my family room. or living room.... on the bookshelf. Yes, maybe I can take that step tomorrow. I will try. Can't promise anything. But I will try. That picture is below.

Oh my!!!!!!!!!! I just realized that it is PRECISELY 9:00pm.....on a Wednesday night. The exact time Tom would call me every single Wednesday for the past ten years....to tell me he was on his way home and did I need anything. And when I said no and tried to hang up...he would stay on the phone " just to talk to me because he hadn't talked to me all day." How bizarre. How funny. How "so like Tom." How so like Tom telling me it is just fine..............that I am going to be "just fine." This is the first time in 8 months that I did not "automatically" realize the day and the time." I guess I really am moving forward.

Good night, Tom! I love you and I miss you terribly. You know you are in my thoughts every single minute of every single day. But thank you for helping me move forward. I know you are behind all of this. I just know it.

Love,

Deb

This Drive Was Different

Deb Markwood — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 13:47:00 GMT

Last week I decided to visit some friends in Florida. I flew into Fort Myers, stayed with friends for a few days and then rented a car to drive across the State to visit friends in West Palm Beach. Easy enough. I had never done this before, and it was no big deal.

I had a nice visit with my friends in Fort Myers - they were also friends of Tom and we always had a good time together. I spent my wedding anniversary this past October with them. We shared a lot of "Pittsy" stories, as we usually do.

So it was now time to head over to West Palm Beach. My friends dropped me off at the rental car agency and as I was standing in line, I felt strange. I think I might have had a panic attack. Suddenly, I realized that this drive was my first real "trip" without Tom. Yes, I had gone to Anguilla for our annual vacation, but I was familiar with the surroundings. Having vacationed there for 12 years, I did not travel into "unfamiliar territory", even though I was there alone for most of the time. This drive was different. I was now going into unfamiliar territory for the first time ... alone. Driving across the State of Florida by myself. Without Tom. I felt like I was going to cry. But then I thought how ridiculous this was...I am a strong woman. Tom always said that he thought I was too independent. I would tell him that I can do anything, anything at all, all by myself. And standing in that line, by myself, I reminded myself of that fact....many times.

I actually got tears in my eyes but didn't cry. I just felt anxious. I am not sure why - perhaps it was one of those "firsts" again....taking a drive across an entire State alone. Something I would not have been doing had he been alive. He would have been driving and I would be navigating..or sometimes the other way around. But I would not be alone. I had a knot in my stomach. I was not scared...the feeling was just....strange. So I picked out my car - a Toyota - he had a 4-Runner and would have picked out a Toyota had he been there. I got into the car and started my journey.

After an hour or two, I decided to stop for lunch. I checked "Yelp.com" to see what was in the area. I randomly picked a placed called "Beef O'Briens" or something like that. I had wanted to stay on I-80, didn't want to go off on any side roads or anywhere out of the main drag. I walked into this place and realized that Tom must have guided me to it. It was his kind of place. An Irish sports bar with Budweiser signs all over. I could just picture him there. And when I sat down, one of his favorite songs started playing - Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl. He loved that song. He would sing it out loud in the car and one time, he even rolled down the window and sang it to a woman in the car next to him at a red light. She just cracked up and started singing along with him. He was that kind of guy. He could make people do that.

Anyway, I made it over to West Palm safe and sound, no issues. It was a pleasant drive. And yes, this drive was different, it was one more step forward without Tom.

8 months today - and still moving forward....

Deb Markwood — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 21:31:00 GMT

Well, today marks the 8-month "anniversary" of Tom's plane crash in Chapel Hill, NC. I guess I have resigned myself to calling it an "anniversary".

Unlike other "anniversaries", I did not go to the cemetary at precisely 3pm, which is the approximate time of Tom's death. I went at 11:30am, on my way to the golf course! I recently joined a golf club that Tom had wanted me to join for years. We were social members at this particular club for about 2 years, in the beginning stages of my golf game (I have only been playing for 4 years now). It's a really beautiful, but very hard, course. Every Friday night during the summer months, you can sit out on the patio, overlooking the 18th hole, and a bagpiper plays in the "woods", and the sound of the bagpipes resonates off of the stone clubhouse around the patio. It is really relaxing. Tom loved it there on Friday nights. I never joined as a full time member because I always said I "wasn't good enough to play there."

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to join, and so I did. I look forward to the summer months, when the bagpiper returns. Tom loved the bagpipes and I even had a bagpiper play the Marine Corps Hymn at his burial. He would be very happy to know I finally joined. I regret that it took his death to make me join, but his death has made me, as well as others, try to live life more each day at a time because you never know when it will be your last.

Today was supposed to be very sunny with a high of about 60 degrees. I asked a friend if he wanted to play at 9:00am, thinking I "had" to be done by 3pm to go to the cemetary for my monthly anniversary ritual. He said he could not play until Noon. Normally I would have hesitated, but this time, I did not. I said ok. We intended to play 18 holes, but the weather forecast was wrong (again) and it was quite cold. We quit after 9 holes. But let me tell you..............

I had a Par on 3 out of the 9 holes!!! On each of those Par holes, a small white plane flew overhead just as I was tee'ing off. I looked up at the sky and said "Tom - will you stop it - you are making it hard for me to concentrate." And then I went on to par the hole!! These were not easy holes! I think this was Tom's way of telling me that he was glad I was going to be at the Club at 3pm instead of sitting at his gravesite. Even my golf partner said "what is going on with these small planes flying overhead on your tee shots? Tell Tom to stop it." LOL!!!!!

After we decided to quit at 9 holes, we went in to the Clubhouse for a bite to eat. I anxiously watched the clock - as it was nearing 3pm while I was still eating. For a split second, I wanted to hurry up and finish my meal as I could make it to the cemetary by 3:00pm. But I didn't. I stayed and enjoyed the time with my golf partners. I am glad I did.

I think this is a huge step for me. To break the cycle of having to be at the cemetary at precisely 3pm. And, oh yes, his marker is FINALLY installed. It looks nice - a bit splattered with mud with all of the rain we had, but it still looks nice. I even took a few pictures of it. I have included one here.

I am headed to Florida next week to visit with some friends. As luck would have it, I am now recently unemployed, the result of a merger with my bank and another bank. But I am not worried. This is small stuff compared to what happend 8 months ago today. I will be just fine, I am certain of it. I think I am supposed to take a step back right now .... and think about the next chapter in my life..the one without Tom. Maybe this is the time to start a new career.....a writing career perhaps? It certainly won't be as a professional golfer!

Tom always wanted me to pursue a journalism career - maybe now is the time. Stay tuned.

Tom's Gravesite Marker

Deb Markwood — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 03:57:00 GMT

Tom's Veterans Gravesite Marker has been in since early January. After many snafus regarding his proper rank and the returning of two markers for incorrect information, we finally have the correct one and now we have not been able to put it down due to all of this whacky weather we are having. He never wanted a "headstone"...just a marker. Said it would be easier for him to get out and walk around at night. LOL! I almost fainted last week when I went to his site and saw the dirt all turned over. Long story, and I did find out what happened from the caretakers, but it sure does freak you out for a minute. I can see the temporary headstone turned over, but the entire grave site? Again, LOL! Tom is messing me with as usual!

65 degrees last Friday, then snow on Monday, and now 65mph gusts and severe thunderstorms today. Once the weather stabilizes, the marker can be installed. We still have the temporary marker down, along with the Christmas greens and the Christmas cross. Surprisingly, both are in excellent condition and so I am leaving them there for now. They are very pretty and one of his Marine friends put a nice red rose and ribbon on the site last week. The Veterans Post that he belonged to (and where he was Chairman of the Executive Board) placed 12,000 red roses on every single grave site at the Delaware Veterans Cemetary last week. An awesome accomplishment. Yes, 12,000 roses on 12,000 graves.

I am told that Tom's death will really sink in once I see the marker in the ground. We shall see. It is still like a dream and every day I think he is going to walk through the front door. But I am doing just fine and moving along. I may even have Rick Beach change the name of my blog to drop the "looking back" part. I am now really focused on looking forward.

Here's to looking forward!

Deb